008 | a quickie.

I need a huge rush of pleasure. A delicious takeout? A day of purposeful laziness? A tax-refund gift-to-myself splurge? Or, you might be inclined to respond, “Sex? I am correct. You require sex.” But it’s cool, I’ve gone this long, my fear of covid peaked, stabilized, and now in our third lockdown, has circled back to heightened precautions because long-haul covid sounds downright horrifying. PinkCherry satisfied me with their early-pandemic “You must be clawing the walls” promo codes, so now I’m just waiting for the post-pandemic era of STIs galore. The wild west of urban singles with sorely-battered communication skills meetcute’ing freshly quarantine-divorced possibilities who had to move back from the farmland property they pandemic-purchased with their former sweetie amidst their WFH productivity-peak wonderland. The mismatches, the desperation, it’ll be a thing of wonder, sprinkled in fairy dust.

“Why don’t you hop on the apps and try video-dating?” I don’t know, why don’t you go eat your own butt. I don’t know, I’m barely in the state of mind to handle someone asking me how I’m doing, let alone the steady stream of conversational opening lines from seemingly well-adjusted members of society with respectable answers in the Occupation field (something besides mysteriously-douchey “entrepreneur”) very seriously inquiring about my experiences and, if so, my immediate desire to reacquaint with anal.

I don’t know, why don’t you go eat your own butt.

Good job, boys. With that level of confidence and assuredness of your preferences, I’m positive you’ll find a partner to fit your every need. Why it’s the ones who are straightforward with their needs and wants that grab it all in this world. Modesty and shyness are a thing of the past. Why can’t I learn that already.

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